The Return of Rebecca Snape
by Peeves
Summary: My first HP fic, and definately a practice one before I attack canons. Snape's delinquint cousin visits, a pointless story ensues. Someone flame me.


**The Return of Rebecca Snape**

DISCLAIMER: Claim no one, Rebecca was a product of a diseased mind. Don't mind her.

This is just a practise fic until I figure out what's good and what's bad in HP fanfiction. Probably the worst thing is inserted characters, but I'd prefer to insert a character rather than brutalise one of JK Rowlings on my first attempt at a fic. I didn't think it was funny _enough_ to go into Humour, and it definately isn't good enough for anything else, so it's general.   
PG-13 for some swearing.

__

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry thought Rebecca Snape, glaring up at it.  
She had shaven hair, so blonde it was almost white and odd coloured eyes – one blue, one green. Her left eye was blue because it had been blind, since she was six years old, when a boy at her Muggle School had been kind enough to deposit a toy arrow into it.   
Rebecca wasn't dressed in the school attire; in fact she was far from it. In stead she wore a tattered pair of jeans, which looked like the belonged in 1987, and a baggy T-shirt with a ferocious looking blue dragon printed on it. A scuffed backpack dangled from her right shoulder as she shoved open the front door, glad that it wasn't locked.  
Inside stood Professor Severus Snape, stone faced and rigid.  
"Christ, what a welcome committee," she sounded indignant.   
"What did you expect, a parade?" asked Snape, sounding particularly icy.   
"What else?" she said amiably.  
"What happened to your hair?" Snape was tired of the girl already, and he couldn't believe it could possibly be his turn to watch her yet. She was his youngest cousin, and a regular pest. He had expelled her himself when she was in second year at Hogwarts, that had been three years ago.   
She shrugged, and said "Back-fired spell,"  
"You are not supposed to continue practising magic once you have been expelled."  
"Yeah, but if I'd done what I was meant to do I wouldn't have been expelled!"  
"Too true," groaned Snape, his head pounding. "This way." Rebecca followed him through the winding tunnels, passed busy classes full of uniformed students.  
  
Draco Malfoy was sitting by the fire in the Slytherin common room, flanked as usual by Crabbe and Goyle.   
"I got Potter this time," he was saying "Professor McGonagall will have a _fit _when - "  
He paused as Professor Snape and a grungy looking girl entered.   
"Malfoy," began Snape "This is Rebecca. She's staying here for the rest of the day until I've finished with my classes. You are to see that she _does."  
_"Yes sir," said Draco, with a satisfied smile that it was he who had been trusted.   
"Yes _sir,"_ mimicked Rebecca, rolling her eyes. "Well, I'm sure you bum-chums have some gang banging to do, see you."  
Draco blinked. "You're to stay here, you won't get back in, you don't know the password!"  
"So?" shrugged Rebecca "It stinks in here anyway,"   
Draco glared, immediately forgetting his promise to Snape, and beginning to conjure ways to repay this foul representation of a witch for her "insolence". 

While escaping the Slytherin common room was easy enough (the second years hadn't even thought to use magic) sneaking out of Snape's Dungeons was proving to be a more difficult task.   
Rebecca thought she had almost managed it, when Snape's rather spiteful voice sneered from behind: "My darling cousin, is this the Slytherin common room?"  
"No," Rebecca turned around, seeing Snape through the open door to his classroom. Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw third years were staring wide-eyed at Snape, gobsmacked by what Rebecca assumed to be his reign of terror. "But," Rebecca continued, "I should expect you ought to know that."  
The class had a rough time concealing rogue giggles. Snape whirled around to them and snapped "You will all write me an essay on the _Essence of Snake-skin_ potion we have just completed an exercise on, and I will have three rolls of parchment on my desk about it by tomorrow morning, or there will be class wide punishment. Even if only one of you is careless enough to forget."  
"Harsh," commented Rebecca, seeing no point in creeping around now.   
"As someone who did not manage to make it to third year at Hogwarts, I doubt Rebecca that you can form a proper opinion."  
"They teach _opinion forming _in third year?" shrieked Rebecca, dropping her back in mock surprise "And to think, here's me unable to form opinions ALL THIS TIME -"  
"SILENCE!"  
"Don't get your robes in a flap-" began Rebecca, the delinquent in her plain to see.  
"Silence." Repeated Snape, his voice was dangerously quiet. "I may have already expelled you once, Rebecca Snape, but never forget that for the next two weeks you rely on me for a place to stay. Stop bastardising my classroom, if you must roam the halls then so be it, but do not give me a reason to have to track you down."  
"Okay," sighed Rebecca, picking up her bag and skulking away. She had yet to win an argument with her cousin, it was one of her few remaining ambitions since she had been expelled.

"He called her Rebecca _Snape?"_ Ron Weasley's brow furrowed in thought.   
"Yes!" the Ravenclaw pupil nodded "I better get to my table. Good luck in the Quidditch game, Harry,"  
"Thanks," replied Harry Potter. He didn't sound like he had even heard, as he too became preoccupied with thinking about how the girl was related to Snape.  
"His daughter?" wondered Hermione, chewing thoughtfully on some lettuce.   
"Never, who'd want Snape?" demanded Ron, venturing a hateful glance at the Slytherin house table.   
"Niece?" interjected Harry.  
"I've always thought that Snape was hatched in an egg by mistake," sniffed Hermione, raising a laugh from Ron, Harry, and the Weasley twins Fred and George who were across the table.   
A high pitched giggle interrupted their lunch. Peeves, of course. He had been relatively depressed recently, a sudden lack in creativity had meant that no one was interested in his silly pranks.   
"Go away, Peeves," Groaned Ron "You're useless now, you can't even do any decent…" Ron stopped, and stared in horror.   
Floating above the Hufflepuff table was Snape's caldron. Not exactly in time, the Hufflepuff house scrambled away from the table as bucket loads of inky, slimy snakeskin solution poured over them.   
"That ought to help you with your silly essay huffy puffles!" he declared, throwing the caldron haphazardly at the Slytherin table, and disappearing.   
Professor McGonagall soon magicked away the mess, but the Hufflepuff crowd was still distraught. More so was the Slytherin table, as Draco Malfoy (gloating of course) held the dangerous caldron above the table with a simple spell Hermione had learned before she had even begun her term at Hogwarts.   
"Peeves will _pay _this time!" roared McGonagall, clutching her fingers into a fist.   
"If I may suggest," purred Snape, approaching McGonagall "It was not entirely down to Peeves."  
Harry blinked. Surely, Snape would never stand up for the pesky poltergeist? 

"That was BRILLIANT Becksy-Wecksy!" cried Peeves, melting through the wall into the library.   
"Indeed," Rebecca paused, and slowly the smile left her face. "I'll bet this is the first time you won't get into trouble, Peeves,"  
"Why, do you think McGonagally laughed?"  
"Until her spleen fell out," said Rebecca absently, listening to Peeves' barrage of laughter.  
"Peeves, I'll see ya 'round the halls," mumbled Rebecca "I need to make myself scarce. Fast."

"So you see," finished Snape gleefully "Peeves is probably only a pawn in the main game."  
Dumbledore nodded gravely.   
"Snape, as Rebecca is no longer a pupil I'm afraid I must leave it to you to find her and punish her. Bertie-Botts?" Dumbledore poked the bag towards Snape, who politely shook his head and said "No thank you, Headmaster. If you will excuse me,"   
"Of course," replied Dumbledore, wincing as the taste of sweat filled his mouth.

"I bet you're a Cliff Richard fan," spat Rebecca, glaring at Draco Malfoy.  
"A what?" demanded Malfoy, returning her icy look.  
Rebecca grinned, and said "If you don't know then you aren't old _enough_ TO know."  
"Tell me!"  
"Don't get your testicles in a twist," sneered Rebecca "Even Peeves has more backbone than you, and he hasn't even got one."  
"That doesn't make sense," growled Draco, rising to the bait just as anyone would expect.  
They had met after Snape had set the Slytherins out to look for Rebecca, she didn't have much chance with the whole school being combed (with a real comb). She didn't know the place well enough to hide. Two Slytherin prefects had gone to get Snape, on Draco's insistence that he could handle her himself, which was proving more difficult as she kept using silly Muggle terms he didn't understand, but was certain were defacing his family name.  
"Spork," she cried, prancing away.  
"A what?" Draco blinked. Wasn't a spork a cross between a spoon and a fork? Perhaps not in the Muggle world. He himself didn't know if it was or wasn't, he hadn't committed such pointless information to memory.  
"Got her, Malfoy?" Snape! Malfoy turned around, and said "Yes!"  
"Where is she?" Snape looked over Malfoy's blond head.  
"She was..." Draco cursed inwardly, the door to the Slytherin changing rooms for Quidditch was ajar. 

Rebecca could hear her cousin outside, and she for one knew he would punish her himself before going through any official channels. She didn't feel like another dose of his "Punishment potion" as he nick-named it, and the guise of bravado had soon leaked away like urine from an incontinent boggart. She ran into the changing rooms, and inspite of the windy, wet weather, snatched one of the spare 'Cleansweep' brooms.   
"Let's go," she muttered, flying out over the pitch.  
"Curse that girl," growled Snape, bursting in a moment too late.  
"Why don't you?" asked Draco snidely.  
"Malfoy, don't you have some detention to do?"  
"No, sir,"  
"Yes you do, report to Filch."  
Draco skulked away, face like a thundercloud. Snape groaned, knowing it was against everything for him to send Malfoy up after her, so he took another cleansweep to chase after Rebecca himself. She would not be leaving her bedroom (a makeshift one, originally poor Filch's office) once he had caught her. 

Rebecca had gained a rather severe advantage over her cousin, she was at least twenty-three metres above him, no doubt frozen almost to death.   
Snape forced himself to forget about relative-like worries - he wasn't a complete rock - and became more interested in catching the child. He was one up on her for controlling the broom - he was heavier and therefore wasn't flying about all over the place like a ...   
Like a person on a broom plummeting towards the window of Professor McGonagall's transfiguration class.

McGonagall was busily explaining the dos and don'ts of turning toilets into birds, when her class looked suddenly aghast. She was about to explain that it wasn't as farfetched and disgusting as they might think, when Neville Longbottom pointed and said "Isn't that _Snape_?"  
Sure enough, when the Professor turned around, there was Snape, flying raggedly around at the window in the rain.  
"Yes," she said pointedly. "He obviously has a reason for flying about at this time." She didn't sound convinced, and Draco Malfoy, who had turned up late with some excuse about reporting to Filch, raised his hand and declared "He's chasing that girl about, Professor."  
The Professor sighed, rubbing her temples as she approached the window and flicked it open. The class shivered and made mad dashes to catch their parchment and quills.   
"Professor Snape, don't you agree that this is no time for flying practice?" she asked rather sarcastically "My class seem more interested in your gravity defying parlour tricks than in my transfiguration lessons."  
Snape might have muttered an apology or excuse, but it was not heard by anyone inside the classroom, as the wind gave a particularly powerful gust, and forced him across the Quidditch field, where Rebecca hung dangerously from one of the goal hoops.  
"You stupid little cretin!" roared Snape as he fought to whip round the battered, pathetic old broom and catch Rebecca "You'll kill us both!"  
Rebecca was silent, she knew that this time she had gone too far. She was probably going to be sent to knew Muggles; her parents had long ago decided that they couldn't handle her. Infact, the only real reason she was at Hogwarts was because she was between foster families, and it so happened that the head of the Adoptions Board was an old friend of Dumbledore's.  
"Piss off!" she screeched at Snape. "I didn't _ask_ you to follow me up here, did I Severus?" It was the first time she had used his name. "I got myself into this and I can get myself out. If you want any help you'd better speak _now_." She stared coldly at him, a defiant look etched across her face. At least when they were both in a relative amount of danger, he wasn't the biggest thing she had to be afraid of.  
"I don't think you are in the position to-" Snape started to sound like a lecture on tape. Rebecca groaned, and said "Have it your way, I'll see you when you next find me. _Transporticuras!_" She pulled a wand out from the sleeve of her T-shirt, waved it, and disappeared, leaving only whisps of smoke, which soon dissipated in the wind.  
Snape groaned, wishing that she wouldn't use spells from books she read from libraries.

It took Snape five more minutes to land the old broom, and collect the pieces of Rebecca's ("My apologies, Professor McGonagall, she won't get loose again").  
Snape assumed that Rebecca had hidden with Peeves, who was probably her only friend left in the place (if he could be called a friend, more like the doer of her dirty work). However, he and his late afternoon potions class were rather surprised to see her sitting crosslegged on his desk, playing with Skeletor - Muggle names, who could deal with them? - her fruit bat.  
"Rebecca," Snape sounded as though he wasn't sure if it was an apparition or not.  
"Oh, you _do_ remember how to use my name in an ordinary tone of voice," Rebecca was prodding for anger, Snape knew the game. He had lost it on many an occasion.  
"Yes," he said, maintaining his level of calm, even though his robes were soaked and he was sure to spend a week sneezing in Madam Pomfrey's.  
"I sent an owl to the head of Adoptions," Rebecca looked up at him for the first time. There was no remorse in her eyes, just a matter-of-fact stare.  
"Really?" Snape was interested now.  
A wicked grin flickered across Rebecca's face.   
"I wrote about how happy and well behaved I was here, and how much you loved having me around! Oh, and I'm getting good at doing your signature, too."  
Snape's face darkened into a frown. He began to roar at his cousin, green sparks igniting around him he was so angry.  
"You _impersonated_ me? You won't remember what daylight _looks_ like when-"  
"When I finally get around to doing all that?" Rebecca dodged a blast of energy from Snape's wand.

Rebecca had lost her confidence when she lost her audience - Snape was dealing with her in _private_. She hated his personal quarters. Black drapes, red velvet quilt on the bed, a spooky looking mirror that kept spitting at her. She stared at the wooden floor, as Snape took out all his anger on her, not shouting, it was worse. He was speaking very quietly, a tone which suggested such a level of anger that shouting was beyond him.  
Snape still hadn't raised a tear out of her, but the night was young.  
"If you want to stay here, you will behave. You will not incite Peeves to riot. You certainly will not be stealing any broomsticks, and if so much as _one_ word of insolence leaves your mouth directed at me, you will have to eat through a tube in your nose."  
He wasn't kidding, Rebecca had had her mouth sealed before, though never long enough that she required to be fed through her nose.  
"Truth be told, the 'Powers that be' as you call them, seem to think that _Hogwarts_ is the best place for you. I can't see why, all you have done is endangered people's lives from the word go. And do you realise that Malfoy has been asking people what a 'Cliff Richard' is?"  
Rebecca couldn't help it. She had to snicker, even just a little bit.  
"You will learn to control yourself, and you will not be using powerful spells you think you can handle on your own. You are lucky that Dumbledore was not angry when you showed up on the table at supper. How long were you between places?" - he didn't wait for an answer - "Over three hours. You are _lucky_ you made it back at all."  
"I doubt it," sighed Rebecca. "I was trying to make it to London,"  
"Don't answer back, Rebecca." The only reason he used her first name was because her last name matched his. "Now, you can stay but-"  
Rebecca leapt on him, squeezing the life out of him.  
"Severus! I love you!" It wasn't exactly an expression of affection, more of a 'Thank God! No More MUGGLES!' kind of 'I love you', and Snape soon had her back on the floor, his frown even deeper than before.  
"BUT," he continued. "You will call me Professor Snape, like everyone else. You will not be a pupil, simply a resident. You will not wander the halls, nor consort with Peeves. You will not disrupt classes nor will you speak to pupils."  
"I'll go mad...der," moaned Rebecca. Imagine: Only _Severus Snape_ to speak to? "Can't I talk to anyone?"  
"You may help Hagrid with his creatures _at night_. By day you will stay in your room."  
"Fine," agreed Rebecca, and as Snape left to speak to Dumbledore she grinned and said "Peeves can go through walls anyway."

The End

Okay, this is only meant to be a one off story, so I can find out what you people think of the way I write, the reason I didn't put in many HP characters (Snape aside, he was practice) is because I don't think I'm good enough with them yet. Every time I think of a fic involving the canon characters it seems awkward, so _help_ people, before I strangle someone - namely me. 


End file.
